A Little Crazy...Aren't We All?

Sistah, Wii, Miss A…

maggs — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 00:31:52 +0000

Ok, it’s been awhile.

Sistah is being constantly harassed by Mah Boy. Uh, remember, they’re split up!? She has done a good job of avoiding contact. Last week, she and I wrote a “dear Mah Boy” letter, gently stating the obvious that it’s time to move on, that they can’t make things work, and they’ve both been miserable, blah blah blah. He proceeded to call EVERY MINUTE. Then started w/ text messages. First being nice, asking her to come over. Then turned angry, telling her to run away like she always does. I sat there and watched/read his anger shine through. Not cool. As of Friday night, he dropped off her “belongings” which was really nothing but a few movies and $700. Yes, I did say $700. She is moving out this month and he had wanted to move in with her, even though she never asked, so he’s giving her the money to help out like he promised. Puh-lease. Fucking psycho. It’s another ploy to get her to call him/see him. He’s called continuously, texting her. It’s ridiculous. She is going to give it back but is going to arrange to NOT see him to do it. At least she’s doing the rigth thing. But he keeps calling, telling her he loves her. Daily, no, every 4 hours, I remind her that it’s not going to work. He hates everyone, her career, it’s just not gonna work. She is drawn to this guy like a drug. If she talks to him it’s over. She’ll be sucked back in. I keep hearing, “But he’s such a nice guy…” This situation is bringing me A LOT of stress, and I mean a lot. I don’t know how much more I can take of giving her daily feedback, at all hours of the night, the same message over and over. It’s tiring.

Mario Party 8 for the Wii rocks. I beat the game. Bowser can kiss my ass. ‘Nuff said.

Miss A’s birthday bash was yesterday, though her birthday isn’t until the 11th. This year’s theme was The Wizard of Oz. She dressed up as Dorothy and looked soooooooo damn cute. She had a blast and that’s what’s important. I was stressed out, PMS’ing, and did not enjoy myself. It started with the in-laws getting there late and doing their food prep at my house, when they were supposed to be helping me. Then my parents got there late. My Dad sat on his ass and supervised, Lil Bro helped out decorating, and Mom made fruit salad, all the while whining about how sorry she was that she was slow, due to her healing arm. I’ll get back to that. Sistah was late. So all my help was late and pissed me off. I went off, saying how I was sick and tired of people making promises on times that they can’t keep.

It was 90+ F and humid. An outside party. ‘Nuff said there too. Food took 2 hrs to cook-no joke. I don’t know what the fuck E’s Dad was doing but I could have cooked much faster. I’m still crabby about it all. Got to see lots of family, which was nice. Didn’t get to visit with anyone. My mother brought her fucking X-Rays to the party to show off. She broke her arm in October. She had surgery in March. EVERYONE HAS FUCKING SEEN THE X-RAYS AS SHE’S BROUGHT THEM TO THE LAST PARTY. Had I known she was showing them off, I’d have said something. But, I do have a picture of her showing them off to one of my best friends. Priceless. I had to pull teeth to get someone to videotape for me. Lil Bro, who is taking photography and thinks he’s all that, took 630 pictures and I kept 135. Not one picture has E, or myself, other than my head in the picture. I’m upset, to say the least. Miss A liked her gifts. She had fun and that’s what counts.

I opened the mail today and found an insurance form that I need to sign for Dr. M’s (my therapist) office. It confirmed my diagnosis on DSM 4 Axis 1 and 2. I have a GAF score of 54-55 as of March 2007. My previous GAF score was 57 in August 2004. The GAF score should go up, not down. Sure, it’s only a few points, right? And yeah, in 2004 I was only diagnosed as borderline, not bipolar. And yeah, it was before my breakdown. But in three years I went DOWN? What about all of my progress?! And my symptoms are “moderate”? The next up is “severe”? WHAT?! As you can probably guess, this has me upset. I feel a little betrayed by my doctor. No worries, I will confront him on this. Denial-I guess I didn’t think I was this bad. So I read up on the GAF score, and holy shit, I could apply for social security. I am right on the edge and with a few letters I could get disability. I’m upset, shocked. What would be the repercussions of filing with SS? The government would know I’m crazy? Would I ever be able to work again? What about getting insurance in the future? Anyone has insight, I’m all ears.

So yeah, I’m a little, LOT, frustrated. I figure in about an hour I’ll be getting a call from Sistah. The baby bug has bitten me, especially now that a pregnancy friend is now pregnant again. Hoochie Mama isn’t far off. Sigh. E keeps reminding me to exercise, lose weight, then get pregnant. It just upsets me more. It’s not that he thinks I’m ugly, he just wants a better outcome for baby and mom this time around. I understand. But it just sounds so impossible right now.

I’m tired, frustrated, and feeling depression coming on. I hope I can hold it together this week.

Das neue hund

maggs — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 02:27:35 +0000

Meet June. 8 weeks old. Total lap dog.

Wii and other things

maggs — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 03:23:12 +0000

Man, I love this toy. I don’t play it by myself. I’d never leave the recliner. I am really starting to kick ass at bowling. Tonight was great. Had a playdate for Miss A with Pixie Girl and Earth Mom. EM and I played Wii all night while the girls played dressed up and whatever.

We have a new addition to our family! Her name is June and she’s a fawn colored dachshund with hazel eyes. Seven weeks old and just gorgeous! Jasper, our senior basset hound, is not too fond of her. He’s very submissive and I’m trying to make him feel like the alpha. He doesn’t bark at her. Doesn’t nip at her. Just turns his head and ignores her. She follows him around. Anyone have any ideas on this one?

So the situation I wrote about a few posts ago about Sistah and Mah Boy has officially blown up. He was at our dad’s bday/fathers day dinner and was a dick to me. He was being very difficult when I tried to make small talk. He now hates me and according to my sister will hold this grudge forever. He thinks that I never liked him and that I’m fake and now my true colors are showing. He said I was his favorite “relative” and he’s hurt that I didn’t throw myself all over him at Sistah’s graduation WHEN THEY WERE BROKEN UP. This guy is clueless. She is sick over it. I don’t know what to do. I tried to let it blow over, and just talk, but he won’t let it blow over. I have nothing to apologize for-I didn’t do anything wrong! I wasn’t a bitch at graduation, I just didn’t hang all over him. I just don’t know what to do here. It hurts me that she is upset. Since they’ve gotten back together, she said their relationship is 100% while HIS relationships with friends and family are lacking. Point blank: he doesn’t like anyone. I told her how things were difficult in the beginning with E, and how he didn’t like the family and vice versa, but he also was polite and acted normal. Not like Mah Boy is acting. This asshole is going to make her choose between her friends and her family. I can see it coming. I just hope she can too.

Yesterday was tough, feeling rejected. I emailed an old friend who was a friend of Dana’s (my friend that OD’d) and another girl and neither responded. I can tell that they logged into MYSPACE, you can see it on the profile, so why the fuck can’t they talk to me? So that hurt and the rejection from Mah Boy, well, I started feeling a crash coming on. I noticed it and REFUSED to let that happen. So I chilled out, did a “circle a word” puzzle (which I am totally kicking ass at) and let it roll off. Sure, it still hurts, but I’m not giving in.

Other than that, life is good. It’s nice to be stress-free (um, for the most part).

Busy Bee

maggs — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 18:03:58 +0000

It amazes me how one can be out of work and be constantly busy. Let me reiterate my goals:

1. Physical health

2. Mental health

3. Clean house

4. Cook

So far, I’m slacking on #1. The rest are going well. I repainted Miss A’s room. It is so damn cute! Light Aqua walls with a purple-blue trim. It looks VERY Pottery Barn. The only thing I bought for the room was: one floor rug $100USD, one Arial(Mermaid) comforter $30USD, and paint $80USD. I ripped up the carpet, scrubbed the floor, primed, painted, cleaned everything. And the best thing? She loves it. Absolutely loves it. And E was very impressed too.

You know, we’ve been in this house since 1999 and I’ve never cleaned the drapes. Never. Never thought about it, really. So I did this week. Holy Shit, they’re off-white! So now I’m on a mission to clean all the mini-blinds and drapes in the house.

So where is the cleaning fit coming from? Thanks to BBCA and “How Clean Is Your House”. Two fab British women who teach you how to clean and they are so cheeky. Love it.

Can you believe I’m bored with TV? I can’t find anything to watch, with 200+ channels. Seriously.

Not sure if I wrotea bout this before, but Sistah had broken up with Mah Boy a few months ago. I was constantly by her side, even when they tried to get back together, split up, tried again. But the third time was a charm. I told her it was ridiculous. I hated to see her so upset. So graduation a few weeks back, after hearing my family bitch non-stop about Mah Boy going to graduation and sitting with us, I figured I was the only one in this passive-aggressive family to do anything. I didn’t hug him hello and apparantly that hurt his feelings. I’m sorry, but when you’re broken up and you’ve made my sister cry, it makes me not want to hug you. I told her that he shouldn’t come with us for lunch afterwards. She was pissed off at me, then Mom told her to invite him. He came, I made small talk, and that was about it. So, hours later, my family sold me out and said that I WAS THE ONE WHO DIDN’T WANT HIM THERE and they all recanted their bitching. Now I’m the bad guy. I, on the other hand, didn’t sell them back out. I let it go. Well, last week Sistah said that they’re back together and that I’m now on his “shit-list”. Um, what the fuck?? I asked her what in the hell she expected me to do. I said that I wasn’t rude, I wasn’t cold, I just didn’t hug the kid. After thirty minutes of arguing I told her that the rest of the family didn’t want him there and I was the only one who took action on it to spare everyone. She knows how our Mom is. She constantly plays us against each other. So now Mah Boy, a kid that holds grudges, hates my guts. I feel I have nothing to apologize for. I didn’t do anything but ask that he not go to lunch. Sistah is upset because we are really close and she feels like she’s having to choose. I left her with these words of wisdom: blood is thicker than water. I had her back because I hated to see my Sistah upset. It’s up to her to do the same.

Finally, I have mended my relationships with Miss A and E. Perfect.

Sorry, I’m here!

maggs — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 17:50:52 +0000

Hmmm…where to start. Well, many many many job interviews and no offers. Unemployment is helping a lot. We decided that I’m going to stay home for awhile until the right job comes up. We can get by on E’s salary alone, though it’ll be tough. He likes me being home, not stressed, keeping the home up. I am actually kind of hyped to be a stay-at-home-mom. Miss A is still going to go to school. She needs it and hell I need it too. I may never go back to work, or may go back as part-time. Unemployment lasts 26 weeks, so might as well use something I’ve been paying into for many years. So what are my goals? Physical health. That’s a must. Mental health. Keeping a clean home, hot meals on the table. I know you’d think that I have all this free-time, but I don’t, really. Errands, stuff around the house, job hunting. I know, I haven’t been around to blogs. I’m sorry. There are still a lot of projects on my list to do. I’m OK. Actually, I’m damn good. It is so nice to not have work stress, which is by far my #1 trigger of all times.